just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
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You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Camping tip: No.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit