Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
making my dog give me my pills
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
who wore it better?
