Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
uncle dave has been through hell
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap