Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

*seductively eats two tums*