Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

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Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby