Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.