Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.