just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now