just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
A short story about romance.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The big book of baby names but for safe words
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.