Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.