Just got to our Airbnb!
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Venn
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
O Wise One….
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.