Just got to our Airbnb!
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
looks legit
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.