Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?