Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this