Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I think they could have phrased this better
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Midwest trash talk
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
ok like just. call me at this point
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy