just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.