just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
no such thing as a dumb question
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised