Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
O Wise One….
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream