Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Never forget.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Weighing up my bread heating options
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb