Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*