Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*