Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.