Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]