Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.