@ChrisScarlette

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

You Might Also Like

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

@BareChesty

I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@ricsem

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

@krisv_723

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately