Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately