just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this