Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.