Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.