Just grow your own
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Love is in the air fryer.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?