Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

😭😭😭😭

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos