Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
thinking about this
no exceptions
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon