Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Guantanamo Bae

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

channeling her this year

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.