Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.