Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.