Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

HELP 😭