just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
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Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
October already? What’s next? November????
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.