just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
never stops being funny
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.