just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
You Might Also Like
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Jogging
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.