Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!