Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian