Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?