just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
What
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Oh the world we live in…
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.