just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
That’s not how days work.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.