Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
(Jupiter –
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.