Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
$3 #books
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Happy weekend !
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
