Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]