Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

Voting for coroner

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates