Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
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women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
There’s never enough good news