just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT