just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
love it when they get my name right
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I forgot how to panic. Help
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.