Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Bill is short for Billiam

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

consequences, the bane of my existence

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.