just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Beware of the dog..
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.