just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.