Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

me: my friends:

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”