Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The chart results are in…
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I cannot call her anything else now
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Many hands make light work
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*