Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!