Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets