Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
me when the borders lift
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.