just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
You Might Also Like
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.