just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
You Might Also Like
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
i’m sure it’s fine
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.