Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?