Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”