Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.