Just had my nails done!
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU