Just had my nails done!
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?