Just had my nails done!
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Fun Things
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.