Just had my nails done!
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Okay me first
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Saw online –
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…